R M R C K S

what it has become

2011-10-09T13:46:00.002+08:00

Wow. So many months have passed since I stopped being unproductive. Guess what? I got a job. Actually I had a job and then I was given a better offer (supposedly) by a bigger company. Let's recall the months tracking back to after I recovered from my chicken pox.

Mid-april my aunt texted me about a job opening at a shipping company which really needed an temp admin assistant. Got the job, was kinda dull and brain-dead cos I didn't do much. Filed invoices and did clerical work for accounts & operations department. Sat in front of this cheeky guy who was just plain cheeky. But my colleagues were nice people who helped me a lot. However I got treated like a ball over there. Resigned, then got called back, then they terminated me, then got called back again. See? Ala a ball in a soccer match.

It was a really long 3 month. My mom had to endure countless exclamations of 'I wanna quit my job!' every morning and every night.

Then the bigger shareholder of the group company (which sat at the same floor, same office, just at the other side of the building) called me in for an interview as crew admin. Manager and HR called me in at the time I was sweaty while doing some archiving for old documents. So I really blew that interview which I couldn't find in my heart to really care.

After that, the same HR called me over to her side to do an interview as admin assistant, but for HR. I thought about it, I didn't wanna do anymore admin work, as it was boring, dull and so unappealing. I wanted a challenging job.

Let's fast forward to 3 months later, which is the current position I'm in. As an assistant to the HR executive. How shall I put it?

I wanted a challenging job. I accepted a permanent position in this company. Do I regret accepting this job? I don't think so. But I didn't expect to hold a bigger responsibility. In charge of office admin, office expenses, office maintenance, staff needs, some HR work, clients, hotel bookings...

Suddenly I'm snowballed into this position, which I initially thought would be kind of the same thing I did as assistant for accounts/operations in my previous company, but it's a totally different thing with a different aspect. I had a vomiting incident on the 3rd week of this job.

This job is equally stressful, tiring, challenging, soul draining but it offers a mature view of what life after school is. A wider perspective on the real world. The work itself is not difficult, but dealing with people, especially when you're in HR, is a totally different matter. I never liked attending to people, but now my job entails me to do so. I don't hate it. When people call me, I would answer it.

I still have to continue with my studies. Though I've committed myself to this company. My boss wants enroll me for secretary course. Which will take around 3 months or so. As for my education, my dream job was to do something in journalism or editorial, but mom is thinking it's better if I take business admin as I'm already in the line. So I'll think about it.

Conclusion? Joining the workforce is not as bad as I thought it would be. Sure, it has made me into some sort of a workaholic and unwise spender... but I'm okay. I am fine.

But this way we won't work

2011-09-13T21:27:00.001+08:00

Here comes a feeling you thought you'd forgotten.

2011-06-04T13:27:00.001+08:00

if freckles were lovely, and day was night,

and measles were nice and a lie warn’t a lie,
life would be delight,—
but things couldn’t go right
for in such a sad plight
i wouldn’t be i.

if earth was heaven and now was hence,
and past was present, and false was true,
there might be some sense
but i’d be in suspense
for on such a pretense
you wouldn’t be you.

if fear was plucky, and globes were square,
and dirt was cleanly and tears were glee
things would seem fair,—
yet they’d all despair,
for if here was there
we wouldn’t be we.

e.e. cummings

march

2011-04-04T17:41:00.004+08:00

Crazy March. Turned 20 and I bought too much (more than I should've bought). Just some books; F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby, Chuck Palahniuk's Rant & J.K. Rowling's HP and The Order of Phoenix! My fave edition from the series. Read it back when I was… 12? The movie didn't do justice for the book. They skipped out so much parts.

That DS container is sooooo cute! Bought it with Zeke at Grand Cathay (issit?) and it's filled with yucky mints.

Esprit watch was my 20th birthday present from my parents :3

M.a.c's Gotta Dash! lipstick and Sephora's Rouge lipstick. Tera bought the latter as a present for me *tears But I tend to buy skin-colored lipstick that's not too bold.

Vincent

2011-04-01T13:41:00.001+08:00

Vincent Malloy is seven years old

He’s always polite and does what he’s told

For a boy his age, he’s considerate and nice

But he wants to be just like Vincent Price

He doesn’t mind living with his sister, dog and cats

Though he’d rather share a home with spiders and bats

There he could reflect on the horrors he’s invented

And wander dark hallways, alone and tormented

Vincent is nice when his aunt comes to see him

But imagines dipping her in wax for his wax museum

He likes to experiment on his dog Abercrombie

In the hopes of creating a horrible zombie

So he and his horrible zombie dog

Could go searching for victims in the London fog

His thoughts, though, aren’t only of ghoulish crimes

He likes to paint and read to pass some of the times

While other kids read books like Go, Jane, Go!

Vincent’s favourite author is Edgar Allen Poe

One night, while reading a gruesome tale

He read a passage that made him turn pale

Such horrible news he could not survive

For his beautiful wife had been buried alive!

He dug out her grave to make sure she was dead

Unaware that her grave was his mother’s flower bed

His mother sent Vincent off to his room

He knew he’d been banished to the tower of doom

Where he was sentenced to spend the rest of his life

Alone with the portrait of his beautiful wife

While alone and insane encased in his tomb

Vincent’s mother burst suddenly into the room

She said: “If you want to, you can go out and play

It’s sunny outside, and a beautiful day”

Vincent tried to talk, but he just couldn’t speak

The years of isolation had made him quite weak

So he took out some paper and scrawled with a pen:

“I am possessed by this house, and can never leave it again”

His mother said: “You’re not possessed, and you’re not almost dead

These games that you play are all in your head

You’re not Vincent Price, you’re Vincent Malloy

You’re not tormented or insane, you’re just a young boy

You’re seven years old and you are my son

I want you to get outside and have some real fun.

”Her anger now spent, she walked out through the hall

And while Vincent backed slowly against the wall

The room started to swell, to shiver and creak

His horrid insanity had reached its peak

He saw Abercrombie, his zombie slave

And heard his wife call from beyond the grave

She spoke from her coffin and made ghoulish demands

While, through cracking walls, reached skeleton hands

Every horror in his life that had crept through his dreams

Swept his mad laughter to terrified screams!

To escape the madness, he reached for the door

But fell limp and lifeless down on the floor

His voice was soft and very slow

As he quoted The Raven from Edgar Allen Poe:

“and my soul from out that shadow

that lies floating on the floor

shall be lifted?

Nevermore…”

-Tim Burton

this routine riot is all but practical to me

2011-02-22T02:22:00.003+08:00

I have always been the type who likes routine. Routine is nice, it's comforting to know that things will be the same (even though it may sound dull) come tomorrow. Weekdays will be filled with waking up early with half lidded eyes and the looming thought of school or work. Rushing through breakfast whilst putting on shoes then speed walking with an apple or a bread almost dropping to the ground. Catching the bus. Meeting friends early in the morning. In the afternoon going home with the sun half baking the earth, dozing in the bus and at some times waking up at the creepy bus terminal.

Repeat cycle 5 days a week multiplied by around 9 months. It's not too bad. Routine serves me a fixed mindset, ready to dive into the next morning doing the same thing as yesterday. I know my bearings, it's familiar terrains. I traveled the same 45 minutes long route everyday for 8 years. And yet I have never been too sure of the places on the other side of the glass panes. Probably cause I pass out the moment I sink my tired derriere on the cushioned bus seat.

Now that I've graduated (twice) and am unemployed, I don't have a routine anymore. I wake up whenever the hell I please. House chores are done at 2am while the world turns quiet and no one moves. Hunger pangs attack me at random times and always, always an hour after I have a meal. I snuggle under the covers right as somebody's alarm clock goes off.

Weekends are only half appealing. I get to hang out with my family. Yes, hang out. Otherwise it'll be just another day at home, watching a million TV shows, and there's no difference to whether the day falls on a sunday or thursday. I wish I could have some kind of system for… being unproductive. But if I'm doing nothing then I have no goals to see because there's utterly nothing to it.

I have applied for jobs though. I recently just recovered from the chicken pox so being employed had to come to a halt for awhile. Though I still can't believe I applied for a job at the insurance company I used to work at 2 years ago, which I horribly dreaded everyday, having to sit in a cubicle with a snail paced internet. But I have come to terms that if work is fun, then it's not work. Still have to be applied though.

"The routine science
Could heal the sickness we rehearse."

- Something Corporate

if it's not too late for coffee

2011-01-21T17:53:00.000+08:00

Expired pictures from my farm stay with my relatives at Cedar Glen near NSW.

While on the way there. It was a long journey. Passed by farms and vast fields littered with healthy cows and wooly sheeps. Oh and there were caravan parks too. I adore the adventurous life they lead there.

Inside the owner's place. It's like a time machine in here.

The horse stable outside our cottage.

This place is called The Lost World. I think one could really drown in this place's scenery, refreshing air, cold mountainous temperature and the peaceful ambience, not hindered by the fast pace of the usual modern life. Some people say extending your stay here would be dull. Not so, there's so much things to be entertained of. I think I could curl up on the porch reading a book with not a worry for the world.

Hoping I could visit this place again. Just this place.

wake up you've got a lot of things to do

2011-01-16T01:31:00.003+08:00

Most outrageous things I've done:

- Burned the kitchen (I forgot I was heating the pan and used the computer. Parents still doesn't know about it)

- Left my 1 year old baby brother on the vanity mirror. He fell down to the floor on his head and the sound could be heard till the ground level. I lived on the 13th floor.

- Bought a rip off $80 mp3 player cos I was desperate for a music player then unscrewed everything.

- Broke the toilet door countless times out of anger. Almost killed my brother (no I do not have murder tendencies)

Um I can't remember everything. Nor am I sure whether this short list could be considered as "outrageous". In my dictionary, it is. And my friends have responded with shocked expressions.

Changed all my dock icons to sort of a red theme. I loooove it. Trash icon is so yummy omnomnom.

in the airplane over the sea

2011-01-15T17:08:00.003+08:00

There's this band meme thing from Fueled By Ramen's tumblr. It told us to:

Go to Wikipedia and click ‘Random article’ in the left column. The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
Go to quotationspage.com and click ‘Random Quotes’ in the left column. The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your album.
Go to Flickr and click ‘Interesting photos from the last 7 days’ on the right side. Third picture, no matter what it is, is your album cover.
Use Photoshop or similar (picnik.com is a free online photo editor) to put it all together.
Post your final album cover as a photo reply to this or reblog this post so your friends can join in!

So I did the above picture. Totally random.

I like this the most:

The funniest by far, in my opinion is this:

Totally weird.

i know i left too

2010-11-04T02:20:00.002+08:00

I feel like I'm at a crossroad. I feel like everything I've done these past 6 months have not been fruitful. What am I doing this for? To enter the National University of Singapore. I've been studying, I've been studying with friends, I've been memorizing and waking up at odd hours of the night then losing sense of the time. The effort I've put in is definitely double the effort I gave last year. But seriously, now I've lost my direction as to where I'm heading, what I want to do with my life, who I want to be later. I have lost all that sense.

I don't know what I want anymore. Confusions have been lining my thoughts and it's really going nowhere, I'm going nowhere. I don't ever want to be somebody who picks something as a last resort, or because I have no idea what to study, just for the hell of pleasing someone else, and then just choose something that's not even the least of my interest then stick with it for years. I don't want to settle for meager choices and shove it down my throat for four years.

Months prior to this I was so sure of what I want. I wanted to enter the National University of Singapore, major in Journalism or English Literature or English Linguistics, then find a job with decent pay and experience, because hey, people job hop these days right? I wanted to jump the ocean and see the world through my viewfinder, write stories of people I've met, learn different cultures..

No, I'm not unhappy. I'm pretty sure I'm not depressed. I just don't know.

because what

2010-10-25T00:07:00.003+08:00

Because what?

i got lost

2010-09-30T00:24:00.003+08:00

When you struggle to recognize who that person across the distance is, when before it would take you a heartbeat to familiarize, like that person was sitting in your subconscious, just, you realize, that's then you start falling.

It breaks my heart to know I couldn't recognize my own properly. It questions my own perception going haywire after such a long time away.

I was always making sure to put your pieces in my head. Never mind the circumstances.

How did you slip away from my memory without my knowing?

i suppose narcissism

2010-09-19T21:10:00.002+08:00

Err somehow I've been looking like an idiot (to the neighbors opposite my block with my curtains open) when I snap pictures of the contents of my bag, laid out on my bed during the day to have maximum light possible for exposure. (and I'm too cheap to buy cheap batteries for my digi cam) Had to resort to using an iPhone, courtesy of my mom. And wow, the quality ain't bad eh.

Anyway, bag was bought from some luggage shop in Queensland (hmm I saw the same bag, same pattern, same fabric but a size smaller at Topshop), Macbook (an essential but it's a tedium to lug it around always), cell, mp3, degree-less glasses, wallet, Za compact (need to buy the refill soon), m.a.c eyeshadow, Body Shop lip balm, liquid eyeliner, Topshop lipstick, blusher and brush, organizer (somehow I don't really use it much ), Paramore's Brand New Eyes album.

boring post is boring. I have a lot of matters swirling in my head but alas, transferring it to the keyboard and onto screen is of course, another tedium.

it's alright

2010-08-22T21:55:00.002+08:00

The thing about mistakes is that it offers you a second chance. but the basis of mistake itself, in itself, is that it's a mistake and it's undeniably better to avoid it. How does one curb it away from mental bearings? Is it safe just to continue with being right all the bloody time? To not teeter around the edges but to go head on in the middle of it and assuming with precision that everything is on the right path.

Perhaps I've spent quite a lot of months to experiencing it then later realize I'm jumping straight into a mistake.

Seriously, spending a whole week running around, busying myself with heavy texts and deep thoughts concerning the world and the small things holding it together.

Maybe it's too late already, but to me nothing is ever too late, even if it the deadline is 5 minutes away.

Shit I'm losing myself way too much.

you don't have fever

2010-06-27T07:46:00.001+08:00

So like the first time I rode a plane was last year close to Christmas when I was traveling to Queensland. The plane was boarding and everyone's getting strapped in and throwing blanket over their bodies and stuff (sorry I'm not familiar with airplane slang). Being the noob that I was, I was plugging in my headphone to its port, thinking it was at the bottom of my seat. No sound came out. I was doing this stupid face while my cousin helped me. I was constantly stabbing the end but to no avail. Then this Caucasian elderly woman beside me showed me the correct port, which was at the end of the armrest…

An elderly woman taught a girl about technology. How ridiculous does that sound? But meh, at least this proves that not all golden aged people are IT illiterate. Cool isn't it.

Anyway, school's re-opening tomorrow, and I'm still planning on having fun like going to the movies and watching That 70's Show on youtube while eating candy and Ben & Jerry… I'm not sure why no one's knocked my head yet for this. But I'm taking it cool & slow that school's tomorrow so I don't have a big freak out over having to sit in class and wake up at 5am and withstanding the long bus ride to school. Actually I've ironed my uniform a few days ago! But that's because I had class last Thursday though I woke up really late and didn't attend it :|

It's really weird though, cos now that I'm not in secondary (shit way over that already), I wish that when school re-opens we'd have questions from our teachers like "What did you do during your holiday?" LOL I used to hate it when they ask me this. Cos I would always have stupid answers like "Oh, I stayed at home all week watching TV and doing house chores" Like, who would love to relive that? I didn't have a lot of friends who wanted hang out back then, and honestly I wasn't sure who my true friends were. I hated that there would always be a class gathering every holiday. I dreaded it at times, even though I may be the one organizing it :| But now I have awesome friends whom I've been hanging out with a lot, who tolerate my crap. And I hung out with my cousins on every weekend this holiday, so it was worthwhile of mentioning. Like if my teacher would ask the holiday question or tell us to write it in a composition instead of asking us about the flotilla issue or writing an essay about philosophical terms, I would tell her "Oh! I went out with my friends and did fun stuff, going home late and crap cos I don't really have a curfew. I had sleepovers with my cousins doing crazy fun shit like giggling about stupid crap & rated stuff and my aunt taught me how to bake tiramisu. Then all my relatives and my family and I went for a trip together, a total of 26 people, it was so much fun!" Yeah, it's been a perfect holiday.

In actuality, I have yet to write that philosophy terms. Sucks though.

Contrary to popular belief (my belief actually), I shouldn't be left alone. Previously I liked to be in solitary confines because I liked reading and thinking stuff in my head, go web surfing… now that's gotten stale. I prefer hanging out with my friends or cousins so I won't be psycho when I'm alone.

So I shall buy two Ben & Jerry ice cream tubs now boohoo! And maybe some mutton chop. Whaaaatever happened to my diet plans with my cousins ;-}

And right now I'm really loving the soundtrack album from Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist <3

mojo jojo

2010-05-18T17:53:00.003+08:00

It seems all I do these days is missing my friends a lot. I know it's stupid to be missing my friends when I got to meet them regularly, like.. yesterday LOL but the days are numbered and it'll be hard to meet up except for webcam parties and all. And I do realise that all I've been talking about is missing my friends and such, but they're my bffs and I've never had bffs who will be staying in another country. *cue crying* LOL But that'll be okay, they'll come back of course.

Okay scrap that previous entry. I was so bombed, felt really jaded. Sometimes I have to assume a role, like taking on a different identity. I could be who I really am, but I don't want to. And it's been so long that I've been faking another personality that it just seems natural enough to be doing so, when I'm with different groups of people. It's as if I reserve the true side of me for the people that I'm comfortable enough to be with. I'm never a silent person. Really. If anything, I'm a chatterbox. See, even my words are strung really long, not cut short.

I've received a lot of comments saying I don't look like an eldest sister. Quite possibly, when they look at my pictures and judge me by my character, they'd ask me "Are you the last/only child?" And I'd laugh at that. I probably don't give off the big sister aura. Maybe I'm childish or just stupid or whatever. At times I could be fierce (though that still doesn't scare off my brothers) and oh-my-gawd responsible! Yes, first child, first niece, first grandchild, it's been like that. It's so easy to evaluate a person by his cover, isn't it? No I'm not hurt or offended that people say I don't look like a big sister, rather when they deem me as irresponsible. Have I ever been irresponsible? I'm not sure. I'm always (okay 90%) on time, even though I've never used a watch for years, nor have I ignored my duties, so what gives you the idea that I'm not responsible?

Fine, okay, I'm always playing around, not taking things seriously or just passing it off as trivial. But I'm serious at times. For real. Like, during that time during tae kwon do when I have to fight a boy. And shopping. You have to be serious during shopping or you'd regret your purchase. Exchange within 7 days or no return!

Oh. This is why people never take me seriously.

it's never too late

2010-05-16T10:27:00.002+08:00

I realize as I got older I don't feel like blogging crap anymore but instead I want to blog about more serious things like... Oh I don't know. I just don't have the energy (as in being excited) and I feel mundane just to talk about myself. If you compare my previous blog to this blog, this one has few contents and less exciting stuffs. I used to talk about being afraid of gays then I was shot with a comment by a reader saying I'm homophobe, when I'm not sure if I was. And I loved blog-hopping and linking strangers. Now I couldn't care less about having getting attention at all. Gawd am I getting more boring?

So to spice things up, I'm posting this five things meme from my cousin's blog which I did in April but never got round to posting it.

Five things you will find if you open my bag:
1. Cellphone. Utter gutter.
2. Roxy make up bag.
3. Pretty brown wallet with too much receipts.
4. Bro’s mp3 player.
5. Emily Strange diary.

Five things in my bedroom:
1. Bed by window.
2. Bookshelve of which has my Sarah Dessen novels.
3. Laptop. (& Macbook. My laptop has gotten even more stupid)
4. Jrock magazines
5. Tshirts.

Five things I’ve always wanted to do in my life:
1. Study English Language/Literature in uni.
2. Skydive.
3. Make love to Geography.
4. Buy an expensive bag.
5. Travel the world with my girlfriends.

Five things that make me very happy:
1. Arcades.
2. Slurpee.
3. Zara.
4. Bags.
5. Hangouts.

Five things I’m currently into:
1. Something Corporate.
2. Michael Sandel’s lecture.
3. Sophie Kinsella novels.
4. Glee.
5. Kinder Bueno’s white choc.

Five things on my To-Do list:
1. Study for midyrs. (done)
2. Buy a new bag. (done)
3. Buy new shoes.
4. Meet friends. (done)
5. Sleep less.

Five things some people may or may not know about you:
1. I burned the kitchen stove and my parents still dunno about it.
2. I love Geography.
3. I prefer Laguna Beach over The Hills.
4. I cried watching a lot of Glee episodes.
5. I repaired a broken friendship with a bestfriend.

macky

2010-05-13T10:03:00.006+08:00

Dear MacBook which I recently bought using my own money (okay half, fine)

I love ya.

I love my dashboard. And I really need the calculator!

could've given up

2010-05-09T01:43:00.002+08:00

So the thought about my love for reading/english just sprang up during my search for coke and vanilla ice cream to make a coke float. My hobby as a child wasn't really reading, nor was I some great kid (I just passed with good grades because my tutor won't let me go home if I didn't finish memorizing). Instead, my past time was to tear off the limbs of the Barbie dolls my mom bought for me and.. collect stationeries. Yes, pens and pencils and notebooks. My mom bought me a lot of Barbie dolls and its set.

I'm not saying I didn't want them, I did. I mean, come on, when you're a kid and you see a television ad on Barbie dolls and their pretty houses, at that point of time you'd want it and would start begging your mother for one. But it was just to satisfy my selfish wants to have what the girl on tv has. After I got the dolls, I stash them away at store and then forget about them forever. They have never set a lasting impression on me. My mother bought more doll sets for me probably cos I was too tomboy-ish and wasn't too much of a girl.

Anyway, back to the topic. I started loving English not because my mother gave me Enid Blyton books to read (all motherz give their kids Enid Blyton books to read) but because of the compilation of short stories made into a book by my brother's school who gave them away to students for free as a sort of inspiration kind of thing. I started reading one; all these stories by kids my age at that time when I was 10. Such interesting stories with big vocabs I have never learnt before. I picked up vocabs from there, such as "to no avail" and "was oozing blood". Then everytime my brother received that book from his school, I would steal it from him and made it a point to read all the stories in there; real or make believe.

So yes, thank you East View Primary for creating that book. The books are no more in my possession as some of my stuffs got thrown away or mysteriously disappeared when we moved out from our old place.

I also adore Enid Blyton's Famous Five and The Naughtiest Girl. I read all 21 books of the Famous Five adventures and grew up to the beginning of my teenage years with them. After that I stopped going to Children's section at the library and moved on the YA section. And started reading Sarah Dessen's novels. And am still reading them till now.

half

2010-04-29T18:39:00.001+08:00

I am imagining a life, far away from 3 of my bestgfriends.

Shopping, hang outs, arcades, laughter, gossips, make up, rebelling, foods, drinks, ice cream, froyo, movies, birthdays, magazine, kpop, boys, girls, sleepovers, impulsive shits, study groups, books, kdramas, music, jdramas, being single, crazy msn chats, photos, swimming, facebook tagging, escaping from somewhere, hugs, eyeliners, sentosa, vivo city, orchard, bugis, henderson waves, climbing up stairs, laughing at the library, being thrown out of the library, latest gadgets.....

So far away wuwuwuwuwu

too long

2010-04-04T20:18:00.001+08:00

As I sat in my hotel room, the window giving a view of central KL; and the famous Twin Tower, my thoughts just ran askew. My family was fast asleep; we were lucky enough to secure one last room at this hotel. The bed was cramped, and they were tired from sitting too long in the car driving around with a GPS as our guide. The night crept slowly; the skyscrapers being lighted up with pretty colors and tiny lights by the smaller buildings surrounding it.

I think I sat on that chair for hours even though my body was tired, but I just kept gazing at the pretty lights in awe. When given a moment of quiet, I was thinking of the million things lining up my thoughts. I haven’t been able to make sense of my being, how I’ve done nothing good last year. Academically and strength-wise. I’ve been letting myself down a lot. Have not been seizing the opportunities offered to me, and just floating on air with no intention of touching the ground. I hate how I’m always letting down my mother’s hopes, and that is the worse kind of let down. My aunts have advised me so much about taking a mental note of my mother’s tired state.

I don’t know if I could do it, but I will, and I’ll try to be better for everyone else. And for myself too. Too long I’ve been selfish, and it’s time I learn to be giving. Who I am today, is not a product of my own work nor my luck, but as well as the people surrounding me, building me up to an almost adult. And I am happy that at least I’ve come to terms with myself about this.
So after that, I watched Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist again. LOL. Then I squished in between my mother and my little brother on the joined bed and slept a dreamless sleep, something which I’ve yearned for so long.

P.S: Waiter dude at KLCC Pizza Hut, I want your number xP

AND OMG NAMI POTONG BOTAK!! HE SHAVED HIS HEAD! WHY BOY WHYYYYY

so around i spun

2010-03-22T04:45:00.001+08:00

don't panic

2010-03-21T03:33:00.002+08:00

Weather has been real great. Though it was pretty shocking. At first it was hot then the next day it’s really cold I had to grab my hoodie and put on socks. And I’m stuck with another blocked nose because I sleep by the window. I hope this rain will stay on for long. But not for long lah cos I still need to go out okay wtf

I still have a lot to do (yeah forever my line: I have a lot to do!) and my brother will just echo back “Why must you always procrastinate?” There’s like, essays to be written for uni applications about extra curricular activities, which I wrote half assed-ly cos I was sick but I need to fill in 2000 words. Then photocopy 4 sets of my IC, O & A results and CCA record. Apply for NTU. Apply for financial aid. This part is mad tedious I was actually gonna sit through this with my mother but apparently that flew out of my thoughts a few days ago…

Redirect competency back to brain.

And biggest doom/biggest entertainer wtf going back to school! Retaking A’s! Initially I had set my mind on studying alone with rock hard discipline but you know me, self discipline and me just don’t sit properly together. Then one night Feez called and said she’s going back to school after all the advices given to her telling her to go back to school.

I swear I’ve never been more confused like this ever. Between going back to school or studying alone? The heavier and better option is of course going back to school. A lot of people had coaxed me, but after hearing Feez crying on the phone for being mad confused about her decisions, her final decision is to go back to school. And well, at least I have a friend to go through this with.

Yeah I still have this heavy part of my heart not wanting to go to school. Cos I wasn’t that much of an attendee, and I don’t know if this year I’d even have much motivation. But I’ll try. haih haih. been sighing so much as if i have some mid life crisis wtf.

Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there’s always tomorrow

argh can't wait for glee season 2!!!

/edit

after much tossing and turning in bed and forcing my eyelids shut i still can't sleep.

Anyway, I received MOE's confirmation letter referring to my job application as a relief teacher the other day. wtf i submitted the form way back in january. on the email it stated that there's a chance i might be posted to secondary or jc. WTF! i only applied for primary, specifically primary one & two. can imagine me teaching at sec school not? oh the horror!!!

I also got my pay today. heehee. closer to d-day some more. but damn it, i have the money, but no friends to hang with. when i don't have money, my friends are damn free as a bird. now they're working where got time! i want arcades! froyo! movies! hah hah mar wanted to watch diary of a wimpy kid tomorrow. it's not even out yet =_=

and please please please lah, feez & i won't need to take midyr exams. come on lah enroll in april, exams in may wtf it's a good enough excuse! i think.

sleep please beckon me!

cos i'm leaving

2010-03-19T14:36:00.000+08:00

a few revelations i had discovered in the course of a few sleep(full) nights:

- i’m going back to school in April.

- i think i’m psyched. i think.

- i love Glee like sofuckingmuch and so does my brothers.

- i have to sleep at 11pm now instead of sleeping at 7am. ha. cos in two weeks i’m gonna be in a bus snoring away. gawd the only thing killing me is taking the bus to school. 3 buses. i think if i switch to 43 i might sleep all the way to Marine Parade.

- university applications and financial aid/scholarship application is a bitch

- i forgot to write an essay for that um… gawd i’m so forgetful lately.

- i’m gonna be 19 in 3 days. i’m not feeling it. whatever.

- frozen yogurt

- a new kitten

- and a fucking big hammer to knock me out of this headache.

- oh and people have been texting me so early in the morning! i keep forgetting that i have read them in my sleep thus not replying to the text.

and my cat used to be this cute. not that she’s not cute now. just that she used to be cutie-sized.

talk to the mirror

2010-03-14T22:55:00.005+08:00

(This was written just now at 7pm on last.fm hah hah omg my last.fm count is already 19, 000 plays wtf is wrong with me. no life. I'm sucha loser)

As of right now, Mar & I are having a twitter war, or twitter chat, whatever it's called that when two talkative girls (Mar & I) talk shit on twitter and spam other people's inbox. We used to do this a lot more during our big exams last year and not caring a fuck even when other people were busy memorising or reading notes or researching wtf. At 1am then we'll start panicking and exchange GP web notes. I know we could do this on msn lah but so much better spamming other people with our crap right hahahaha

Anyway, when on the day I turn 19, which is, 8 days away (augh it's on a monday! can't celebrate it with friends on the day itself!) all I would want as a present is the company of my girlfriends and frozen yogurt. Peach flavored with peach toppings.

I have also been delaying university & retake A-level form applications for 7 days now. I don't know what I'm scared of. Applying, or having to retake, or having to fill in forms cos I'm so lazy. Or the cost of applying (SIM is $32. damn expensive NUS one is $10 only how can?) My friends and I, too, did not attend university open houses cos for 1) I woke up real late and would've taken 1.5 hours to wash up/dress up/make up 2) Mar & Mimi & Jaja were working 3) Nana don't know what happened (I forgot cos she's always jetting somewhere) 4) Zyz wasn't showered yet. So yeah, story of my/our life. But yes, I WILL apply by tonight or tomorrow night or something.

BUT (another big but) last sunday, before I went to Paramore's concert (which was freaking EPIC & I shall get back to this below), my friends and I went to an education fair for A-level students prior to results release. There wasn't much courses that attracted me, except for Information Technology & Business (and that I'm still considering like, 2%) cos all over, these private schools had these popular courses for Singaporeans: Business, Hospitality & Management, and Psychology. No really, the options ain't wide and I was a bit disappointed. Still, they threw in so much fliers at us we had a paper bag full of it, each person! And consultants kept pulling us to their stalls and talked so cheem with us I thought, "meh, they're flirting with us to pull us in."

So, yes, with my paper bag full and heavy with private schools fliers, I trekked to Kallang to meet Zeke for Paramore's concert (!!!) and even chased the bus to the indoor stadium along with other punksters/rockers who, unlike me, did not carry a paper bag which had JAMES COOK UNIVERSITY at the front. /paiseh face But come on lah! I was very intellectual looking one. Even though there was a concert at night I still went to the education fair!

Oh, PARAMORE'S LIVE WAS AWESOME! They certainly live up to their standard of having epic rocking lives.

My new addiction is omegle. Okay no, I'm not some lowlife who goes to chatrooms to find company but omegle is very different! Cos I either go there to mess up little boys' minds or actually get along with some real people who talks real stuff. I've also been asking around there "Are you 16 year old boy from England, picnic with the Queen, cos I'm 19 year old insane girl who kissed you via internet" No I'm not kidding!! This kid was real smart and he swayed me with his impeccable British English conversation/pick up lines. No really, I'm willing to lower my boyfriend age preference. Hah. See how desperate I am.

Pictures as proof! That we didn't lie lah who knows people thought we just wanted to appear cool or something wtf.

i want it that way

2010-02-24T03:09:00.002+08:00

When I was 13 I wanted to create my own website called "Spiffy Stars"

How friggin' spiffy do you think it will be if I had actually studied FTP and actually be nicer to my online friend who was generous enough to give me free hosting. No, not hosting at a club. But website hosting. That was the rage back then. Or my rage back then. I just wanted my own website instead of having a .blogspot because it was laaaame and all the cool handsome guys had some cool name for their website, like, givememalice.org or riot.nu or something as cool as that.

But anyway, Spiffy Stars sounds extremely lame & stupid & ridiculous. Only the British exclaims "Spiffy!" as an alternative to "Brilliant!' And I bet your shit they don't like the word spiffy as much as my 13 yr old self did. Now I hate that word cos it's very lame.

Shall we say enough to ol' depressing me?

I absolutely love British romantic comedy. Only because I've watched a few or one (Notting Hill) and because there's Hugh Grant in it. And any movie with Hugh Grant starring is a definite winning point for me. He was very cute with Drew Barrymore in Music & Lyrics. But Notting Hill was a big winner for me cos it had that lovely country setting that I have come to adore after my farm stay with my cousins at Queensland near the mountains. But that place doesn't have a lot of people cos it's very far away and the closest setback to more population is at the other side of the beautiful mountains, which is New South Sales.

The other day Zeke, Feeza & I attended a Journalism seminar at the Arts House. It was, mediocre. The first speaker was absent. So then we were thrown to breakfast and after that to the concurrent session of our choice, Comics. I choose this topic cos I thought it was fun and I've been reading mangas straight for a month now, so, what's there to lose? The speaker was a comic artist whose talk did not interest me that much because I really am not into arts & drawing but he has a few good pointers about self-publishing and throwing your pride on the line kind of thing. I resisted te urge to tilt my head down for a few zzz but I thought it was a tad disrespectful (yeah right, here's to the person who sat front row and slept right in the speaker's face). Zeke commented while we were roaming around Marina looking for lunch that the comic artist was kinda gay.

So I googled him and got this: "So here it is: I have always been and always will be a gay man. When you ask about my spouse, I will say he is a man" And then I laughed for 5 straight minutes and tweeted it to Zeke. Cos I was reminded of what she said that he was a bit gay. My gawd I have no gaydar whatsoever. Her gaydar is good though.

I'm a bit disappointed though. The first Singaporean gay man I accounted wasn't the stereotypical gay, you know, good looks, charming, sarcastic, great fashion sense., but this guy was your normal SIngaporean man who looks, blatantly, Singaporean. Or middle aged Singaporean. I've stalked a few gay blogs previously (for research haha! No, curiosity nipped me in the butt) and they were very attractive and damn interesting I would've dated them if I was a male gay (not that I'm gay). And apparently, some foreign men likes these Singaporean gays. Wow. Ain't that enthralling.

Don't be alarmed. I'm just very bored.

feeling sorry

2010-02-19T02:00:00.003+08:00

There's nothing much. The weight of the words left on me, day by day, they increase by heaviness, an ounce, a small drop, and I'm still going back and forth to my own dreamland. People tell me to do this, people make me feel like shit because of the materials they have, and I wonder, does that really accomplish much? Sometimes you don't have to work so much just for something because you've been pampered all your life, and I hate that kind of ignorant and insensitive idealism.

I've been waiting for that something to hit me, no, not cash, maybe yeah, I need a new laptop, but other than that, that something is for an accident to happen. To knock me off my feet and for me to realise. I've been cooped up at home for almost two months now, yet I feel no boredom surfacing nor any resentment in me. I feel lucky to actually, be living, instead of scraping at the bottom of the rice cooker just to survive for that one ounce of hope. But still, I want an accident, a life turning point for me to occur so I'd open my eyes a bit more and appreciate.

My friends, we had a crazy chat for awhile. It was nice, it was comforting, to re-live that moment from our school days and our times together. It made me smile with that calming thought that we're still friends and nothing's changed. Maybe it hangs by a thread, teetering precariously. But you take what you get. And what you get you cherish.

behloody

2010-02-12T01:38:00.002+08:00

Wow, way to go. I just destroyed a bit of my laptop. Yeah, that hole there? Can't be fixed cos I broke the teeeny tiny part of it which won't go with the down arrow button. Yay, why am I so smart?

thank you

2010-01-26T02:51:00.003+08:00

Just a few pictures from what I've been doing in this full spare time of mine. No, this break still does not look bleak for me. I still have a lot I want to do. I haven't been inspired much , nor motivated to find myself, but perhaps I still have time so I'll keep that in mind.

I went to the Quest For Immortality exhibition at the museum with my cousin. Now hold on, some people thought (especially my uncle V_V) thought I was a but artsy fartsy to be going to the museum. Yes, I've been to a few museums, but that's from the courtesy of school, this was a bit different. The displays were creepy, no doubt, with having human remains from a thousands of years ago in the dark hall, but it was to pass time.

Lookie here, I'm at a dessert! lol Noo this was at some seashore in Malaysia. We (my family and I) drove there and it was a really long journey, filled with bumpy rides going on forever I had to hold in my stomach and when I closed my eyes, I imagined I was riding the Superman rollercoaster at Movie World. /shudders

I love the view of the skies here from inside the plane. Queensland skies ♥ I know there are a few of my friends who have travelled far more distances and places, and just this one place is practically so easy to fly to. But to me, this was the one place I was lucky enough to land a vacation for 15 days. Some people will be like, "yeah so what?" just because they've been to so many places. But pardon me, I'm not rich and this opportunity is like a once in a life time chance. Appreciate every single thing that you've received.

This is a shot of my ride in the Translink, from Loganlea to Beenleigh if I'm not mistaken. I had fun taking the public transport with my young cousins and uncle in a foreign country (:

Listening to Dido. I love her voice so much ♥ Yeah that's why I sound so calm lol. Until then!

somebody

2010-01-20T00:58:00.002+08:00

Hopeless, I'm not trying to be someone who is of weak will and low strength. It is not that I want to give up on matters at hand, but you don't get it. I had tried to reach out, albeit with a tough image so to to raise my egoistical self, but you didn't see through that. You never did. The one person whom I thought could break through my lies and stupidity, you never did. I know you were capable of doing so. But you never did put put strength into it. So I simply let go.

If I'm weak, you are disabled. So to speak, you could charm them with your laughter and wit, but I got tired of it. I never wanted to tire myself of you, but you managed to, without so much of trying, you did. And I had to give up. You never pulled back. Stupid fool.

lavender blonde

2010-01-17T02:53:00.002+08:00

Dear insomnia,
I wish for you to not return, ever. Because I am quite content with sleeping at 11pm and waking up early ~~so I could go jogging~~

Haven't been looking for jobs, haven't signed up for driving license, have not been waking up late, have not died of boredom ~~yet~~, haven't planned for school's IT club activities, haven't contacted tchr sri for ideas bla bla bla.

And I have yet to open up my geography & GP books just so I could re-take my A's. Yes, I am retaking my A's. No, second chances is a phrase in my dictionary. I am not jumping upon the sliver hope of university course that does not interest me in the least and would make me weep with regret. So, second chances with the hopes of a course I much prefer than just to jump on the university bandwagon just to claim to people "I'm in university ~~but hating my major~~" Like, wtf?

I want a Miu Miu handbag. Wow, finally, I've joined the crazy women who would pay a thousand bucks just for a handbag. It's called an 'Investment'. Learn your acronyms, baby. And no, not LV. Everyone uses LV these days. Well, not everyone. Not me. I don't use bags that are used by just about everyone.

This is why it's important for me to get a job. To pay my ever demanding & ever expensive wish list. Oh and I want a new laptop............. ...... .... (this is the part where my parents choke on their bank account =_=)

Just give in
Don't give up baby
Open up your heart and your mind to me
Just know when
That glass is empty, that the world is gonna bend

queensland

2010-01-07T13:26:00.008+08:00

I'm back in Singapore!! Was in Australia for 15 days. Went there with my cousins. Aussie was real fun! Although it was super hot, with crazy rain. The people there are nice, friendly, with smiles & all, unlike my country =_= I always had to smile and say "Fine, thanks" there, but when I got back to SG customs, the people were so stone-faced and so I had to pull back my smile. Heh. The shops also had a mega sale during Christmas & New Yrs, so yeah I went crazy with shopping.

But yeh, I got really tanned from the summer weather, even though I slapped on heaps of sun block on my face and hands. And I gained 3kg! We ate lots of kebabs & dranks lots of chocolate thickshakes & iced chocs & mocha. Plus, nenek cooked a lot so we ate & ate & ate all the way.

So on the first day, after arriving at my aunt's place in Underwood, jetlagged, Mak Ngah brought us to the nearby stores & looked around. It was pretty much like SG. Except we were in the suburbs. Then, we went home & slept to get rid of the jet lag.

2nd day, we went shopping at um, forgot where. Bought wallets at City Beach, a surf store which sells Roxy, Billabong, Rusty, Havaianas etc. Thought the wallets were on sale so I bought two Rusty wallets. Which weren't on sale =_= But eh well, my wallet is torn so I bought one. Another one is for my cousin. Bought pumps too, which doesn't feel too comfy nyeh. And I bought books!! Sarah Dessen's Along for the ride which costed way more expensive than in Sg & Twenties Girl which was so reduced!

3rd day, went to Movie World. Abg Iwan, Hidayah, Izzah, Iffat & I took the train & bus to go there! Cos Cik Fendi was working so Mak Ngah had to make two trips cos there was a lot of us, so she dropped us 5 at the train station at Loganlea I think then she picked up nenek, Kak Azilah, Cik Lamah, Ulfah & Yayan and went straight to Movie World in Gold Coast to meet us 5 there. Movie World was fun! I rode the Superman rollercoaster and got real dizzy cos it had two huge loops and dipped real steep. The most coolest ride was the Scooby Doo rollercoaster, which was thrilling and a surprise cos in the mid of the ride, the seat reversed and suddenly the tracks were longer and cooler. I didn't get to ride the Batman thingy cos it was already 5pm and everything closes at 5pm in Aussie. Saw Batman, Marilyn Monroe, Bugs Bunny, Mystery Inc and so much warner Bros cartoon characters.

After that, we went to Gold Coast Beach to watch the sunset. I absolutely love this beach! It was windy and wide and the water was so clear! Too bad we didn't bring our costumes but the waves were getting stronger so we just went to the shore. Then, we had dinner at this Malaysia restaurant and bought souvenirs.

4th day, we went to South Bank, this swimming pool and man made beach just beside the Brisbane River. It was raining crazily, as in, sometimes it rain, then it was hot, then it rained again. Got hungry so we bought kebabs which was delish cos we got to choose what we wanted to put in the wrap.

Then, we took the City Cat, which is a ferry which brings us to places if we don't feel like driving. Alighted at University of Queensland. The campus is HUGE! Bigger than NUS. The houses nearby are so quiet and peaceful and it was like autumn there. Dunno lah UQ is such a far place away and if I study there it'd be really expensive plus it's far from my aunt's place in Underwood so I'd have to stay in apartments and stuffs. See first lah.

Later at night we went to Mount Cootha/Kuta to watch the city lights from high above! Omg it was windy & the scenery was beautiful! But it was crowded so we went home and had a bbq!!! Mad awesome okay. Mak Ngah & Cik Pen grilled lamb chops & chickens. Yummmmmy. Gossiped and talked and talked with my cousins. Mad fun.

5th day, in the morning, we ate Izzah birthday cake even though her brithday was on 24th so the cake was kept in the fridge for days cos we were too full to eat it during the bbq. We went shopping at Harbour Town after that, this factory outlet shop. Bought loads of stuff! The Esprit sale was so good! I bought this cardigan for 16 aud when the orginal price is 90 aud. mad cool okay. Bought some bags & roxy slippers. Had dinner at Nandos which really ain't my fave.

6th day, packed up for a picnic in Sunshine Coast near Bribie beach. We couldn't swim there cos there were alot of dogs cos it is a unleash dog place so we just had nasi lemak at a shelter then we went to Bribie Beach to take some pictures and couldn't swim cos the wind was soooooo strong and the waves were huge! AFter that we went to this mall cos everyone had to go cos the beach's toilets were smalllll. Bought hakim this surfer shirt. We then drove to Glass House Mountains and watched the beautiful mountains over there. Manz on that day I already looked so fat!

7th day, we went to Australia Zoo!! Saw the Irwins live feeding crocs. Walked around with Yayah & Cik Lamah and got soooo tired cos the zoo was huge! Selca-ed with kangaroos lol. The tigers were a bit lazy leh. I bought this cute white tiger plushie. But hoh, on this day, was my GRADUATION DAY! Basket manz. Haiya.

8th day, farmstay by the mountains!! We stayed at this farm at Cedar Glen overlooking the mountains, and in front of our house was a horse place. Just at the other side of the mountains is New South Wales. The weather was cool. In the afternoon we fed the sheeps and chickens, but cos it was raining, it was muddy and the stupid thing was that I wore sandals =_= At night it was real cold and outside, it was pitch dark! We couldn't even see anything beyond the lights in our house. Cos it was a farm, there were plenty of bugs. Watched some movies and then we turned in. Shared a room with Yayah & Cik Lamah. Our room had no fan or aircon so Mak Ngah turned on the aircon in the den.

9th day, we were still at the farm. Some of us went animal feeding but I didn't cos I already did and they left while I was taking a shower. The water was so cold! And then, and then, and then!!!! We went horse riding at this place called The Lost World! Omg it was so fun and adventurous!! My horse name was Flicka. lol. She always bent down to eat the grass and made a halt to the others behind me. We went riding for an hour near the mountains and went to hills and crossed the rivers and the scenery was breath taking! I love horse riding! Then, we learnt how to use a boomerangs and played with whips. I accidentally whipped my calf and hands =_= But it was fun. Felt like a cowboy lol. In the afternoon we took a refreshing dip in the nearby river.

10th day, we left in the morning. I really love this place. If you're in Brisbane and want to experience a traditional farm living, this is the place! Go visit cedarglen.com.au to find out more!

So yeah, on this day, we spent our New Year's Eve at New South Wales's beach at Surfer's Paradise. It was a 2 hours drive from Brisbane. And it was super hot. There was a light house and it was the most eastern point in Aussie. The beach was windy but it was simply too hot. I guess cos we came from a cool place then suddenly it became too hot.

11th day, Yayah & Cik Lamah went home so we sent them at the airport. Yayah had to start poly so yeah ): Mak Ngah & I wanted to shop at DFO but all the shops were closed. Weird leh. So we hang at Coffee Club chatting while waiting for Cik Fendi to pick us up while he did his Friday prayers with Abg Iwan & Iffat.

12th day, we shopped at DFO. Mad crazy sale okay. The shopping mall was so huge and it was on ground floors only. So I walked around alone and bought a bag and some Roxy tops on sale. Didn't wanna eat kebab cos I've had enough of kebabs already. And I bought Havaianas!!! It's not so expensive like in SG so I got one.

13th day, we went shopping at Harbour Town again. Bought a Roxy dress & chocs for ma and got tired of walking around the huge place.

14th day, accompanied Mak Ngah to Izzah's school, this Christian school which accepted Muslim students too and allowed them to wear hijab and all. It was a really huge campus. The toilets had like, cages at the front cos I thought it was a jail for kids or something lol. But nah, they just locked it cos it's the hols. Then we bought Malaysian food and went home. After that, we went shopping at Garden City.

15th day, my last day in Aussie. I packed up, and had to bring back to two luggages. One for my clothes, another one for the stuff I bought. Then we went to Garden City again to shop cos Abg Iwan and Kak Azilah wanted to buy clothes for their son. Ate Dreamy Donut's custard donuts, which were sooo yummy but expensive =_= 2 donuts for 7 aud leh. Packed up last minute stuff and flew off to Singapore! Was tossing and turning in my seat leh. Cos there were a lot turbulence for most of the ride, we always had to strap on the seatbelt and couldn't go to the toilet. So I slept instead of watching movies cos all the movies were lame. For 5 hours I was stuck in my seat with my bladder about to burst and my butt so crammed so I had to stretch my legs on and on. Food was crap. Then we arrived in SG at 5am.

In Aussie I didn't really use my laptop cos it was I was tired everyday from going out and turned in ealry and woke up early too. So my insomnia was away. Subuh was at 3.40 am leh =_= But sometimes I got up, sometimes I couldn't get up lol.

But you know what hoh, my aunt & nenek were worried about me. Whether I would survive without my mother for 15 days. Meh. Honestly, I cried on the 6th day. Cried like crazy while in the bathroom while talking to my mother on the phone. And then after that I was okay. Nenek nagged at me a lot cos I was there without my family, so yeah, she was taking care of me even though I'm almost an adult. My cousins are really nice, and they're lovely company (:

Last words, Australia is a great country and I'd love to visit it again (:

More photos at Facebook!

worlds apart

2009-12-12T23:58:00.002+08:00

I'm writing this before I forget, if let's say I get all bunched in the hoohaa of my trip and have no time to switch on my laptop once I'm occupied with all sorts of stuff on a foreign land, the farthest I've gotten from ever since Indonesia.

This year was, as one may put it; a whirlwind of chaos & fabulous & everything mixed in between. Being 18 doesn't really stamp me with a maturity chop nor have I achieved much to swell with pride to rave on to other people. In fact, I've done so many crap I don't think I could deal with it anymore, but life just started for me. So I wish myself a good luck and hope karma doesn't wiggle its butt in my face later on.

I definitely treasure the friends I have around me, as well as those that seemed to have slipped from my mind. I find moments to cherish them because they make up who I am and who I was. And even as one comes and goes, fights have erupted over our selfishness, immaturity & just plain insecurity, I'm sure we sailed through that and we've made sure to heal those cracks we've made by substituting it with other securities. Some have found their love, others are broken of a love so fragile & pure. So much more.

All through the years of my life, I have never fallen in love nor have I ever believed in love, simply because I am not in dire need to search for one. Not that I am waiting for a handsome chap to knock on my door. What's the rush? I've always felt the need to have one "special person" wasn't so important, because there are other people in my life who matter much more to me. I want to make the most of my life, my youth, not by spending it solely to one person and thinking he is the center of my universe. I have not reached that mindset yet. I'm pretty contented with what I have right now.

I think I'm a bit peeved by love because of the fact that it doesn't just grow on trees & that it could just sail by like the winds. One could proclaim love to one person solely, but they fight, and things get ugly, and that's where things tumble down horribly. I've seen too much divorces and disagreements that I fear my life would settle in that similar fashion. Too much pain involved I'm not sure I want to go through that. I may look like I couldn't give a hoot about whatever, but really, just like any other girl, I cry, I'm emotional as hell, & I'm not that strong either. Gawd, just one big fight with a friend I'm ready to cry bucketloads.

Anyway, school has ended officially for me. Am I a big girl now? I don't know. School was cool for me, it didn't suck even though I skipped school a lot. I pretty much loved the academics & being in an all girls school for 12 years was fucking fun. Yeah, probably you see more waterworks than at a Co-ed school & more panties & bras cos we're all girls like that. And yeah, definitely a lot of bitchings. Hypocrisy, lies, gossips, well, what do you expect more?

After school? I'm not so sure. The road is pretty bleak & blurry for me. I'm not so sure I did stellar for my A's, especially for my GP since I panicked like hell for the essay & would have escaped if not for the stupid naggings at the back of my head. Perhaps I might just retake my A's, but everyone except my mother aren't too keen on that idea. They say it's a waste of time. But Ma said that I'd just have to try again & again until I reach my goals, and she'll support me head on. Ah, who knows better than my Ma. We fight a lot lately but eh well, I'm fully stuffed with my ego but the next day we're all shits and okay. And then I try my best to not bicker the next day after she comes home from work. Must be from this shittastic boredom of being holed up at home for days & sleeping at times when people usually get up for work. I haven't been searching for jobs yet but I'll do that next year even though I've already got quite a few promising offers lined up for me.

To further broaden my love for English, what better way than to foster it upon others via teaching? I'm gonna try tutoring English & Geography next year, since it's actually a job I might actually enjoy rather than having to bitch and cry about a boring office job that ain't my field; but if the pay is good, what's there to complain? I'm gonna get a few tips from my aunt, and I guess this is a way of training my patience with younger people.

Majoring in Creative Writing ain't my focus, cos I don't think I'm gonna want to write fairytale & fictions for a living. I love doing it, but lately my passion has been leaning towards GP & Human Geog related issues; more to the theorical stuffs & the real life crap like politics (Crap, in my dictionary, is not crap crap, but crap as a vocabualry to real things that ain't crap crap =_=) & environment & life in general blah blah, even though I abhor The Economist because of its dull and mundane texts. There are piles of newspaper articles in my room, of the economy, and about the Prime stuffs on headlines & the APEC & UN & the review page which I absolutely looooove. Even though I could withstand 75% of the texts without blanking out on it. Hmmm, maybe they could put more colours or beautiful pictures of cute boys or something lol.

And there's also the pressure of getting a job, a stable career to support my family. I'm the eldest, so my father has been nagging me to study quickyly and get a job so ma can retire. Huhu. Ain't too fun a subject. Hakim is much more a promising kid. He's been studying really really damn hard and gettng scholarships; for his good brain & good leadership skills in NCC. He's been getting scholarships ever since he entered secondary school. I foresee a good future for the boy cos he's focused on his goals & he's got strong determination to succeed, hell bent on it. Unlike me, I've lost a bit of that drive & I'm not sure where it wandered off. Hopefully it comes back, please please.

And this year, I've reached quite a number of achievements. Of calling a lot of operators from different companies; Starhub, Singtel, M1, Acer, Apple & mostly HP. But I mostly hate it when them White technicians answer my calls cos they pronounce my name so nicely. "Okay Miss Nurullle", with the L so smooth.

I think I rambled on too long. Lastly,

Forgive me Ma for looking at cute boys with hot abs. I am a girl after all. They are chilli padi to me kekeke

Okay I'm zipping off!

a need

2009-12-10T21:12:00.000+08:00

I fucking need this right now.

a long day

2009-12-05T09:14:00.002+08:00

And these fights
They climb through my veins like its mercury rising
And these nights
I seem to remember a home that was better
And now he's turning off
Now she's shutting down

No, its not what it seems
Nothings the same when you give it away
No, its not what it seems
It's just what you think it is

Not what it seems - Something Corporate

Fresh Profusion [feat TIRA]

2009-11-28T21:15:00.002+08:00

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

It's Norule's most crazy, fanatic, maniacal, retarded cousin here.

Again.

As usual, I am reporting live from my bedroom -.-

LALALALLALALA. I'm just updating because I pity her dead blog.

At least it's better than mine. Sheesh.

Check out my story ^ ^ SUPERNOVA

K I gotta go now. Mommy's watching Ninja Assassin .

treslove,

GDBABYISM.

made me a fool

2009-10-21T18:46:00.002+08:00

everything's shitty lately. every single thing. from my handphone, to my laptop, to my mp3 to my anger. gah gah.

dear rainbow

2009-10-17T23:48:00.003+08:00

dah lama tak jumpa RC D:

walaupun baru jumpa jaja & mar hari isnin lepas.

someone please stop me from playing sims 3. after A's i'm deleting 3 and installing sims 2. nao's sims is hot bishie.

going to Johor tomorrow to visit kak ina & her new born. rindu dia okay!

aseeceethree

2009-10-16T23:27:00.001+08:00

i still love you, stupid.

nenek-lu <3

sucide stick

2009-10-14T17:53:00.002+08:00

i trashed my handphone & mp3 (what a piece of shit). so yay now i'm happy! oh joy

between moderation and full-on

2009-10-08T12:42:00.002+08:00

i am getting sick of my fucking laptop. three months of continuous motherboard replacement, screen blanking out suddenly while i play sims 3, unable to be charged or switched on despite numerous attempts at the operator's oh-so-helpful methods at switching it back on. i'm sick of this shit. i swear my motherboard will blank out on me, yet again, for the 4th time this month or next because the HP engineer slapped on a 4 month motherboard warranty when he returned it back to me with a brand new LCD and motherboard in august. the warranty promises an irony of my motherboard shitting on me, again.

so if this happens again, i expect it to be before the last weeks of december when i'm off to my trip for 2 weeks, so i could at least have some technology and personal belonging while at a foreign place. and then i'm replacing it with a two month's salary and a new laptop, hopefully a macbook, please. so i would feel satisfied with my own hard-earned money and will be taking care of it like a baby. and photoshop would be a breeze. all sleek graphic and jazz.

school ends tomorrow. like, unofficially. but still, i'm gonna miss being at school. i don't think there's gonna be more of sitting in rows and sleeping in class for two hours or sneaking food or sweets during breaks. when i left secondary school, i never thought of this, but now in pre-u, or the end of it, it's definitely bittersweet and saccharine. one might think it's great, finally-i'm-leaving-this-place. but i've never harbored such thoughts. because these two years were great and my friends are awesome people.

i thought i wanted to contribute a piece for the yearbook, but leaving with such thoughts of "oh what a beautiful place" "the best moments of my life that i'm leaving for a new step in life" blah blah cliche stuffs doesn't part well with me. if i want to leave, i'll make sure of good memories and no cliche endings. just another promise of being in contact. because well, nana and mar said that we could always meet outside, right?

the unsettling part is leaving the IT department and all the devices. most of secondary students aren't trained or well-trained, and these laptops/visualizer/projector aren't easy to come by and i know it's so easy to plug it in, but the way they handle things have not been good. i mean, our school ain't rich but these kids treat these things as if we could afford it so easily. i don't want them to be ruined or spoilt, so i hope we at least get back the IT students with jobs like we did back in the old school building. it's not that i'm fond of this department or something, but i've been here for 8 years so things have got to run smoothly during school events like teacher's day or whatevs when i'm not here anymore.

yeah yeah.

blunder me tender

2009-10-07T15:05:00.002+08:00

apart from the usual comments, compliments should never (or maybe lessened) be a gift to one's victory. an essence of true superiority and blank modesty would rain the victor and he shall bask in his glory for a long time- till the moment that winning streak is pushed down like a wall; crumbling and breaking with what should have never been the foundation of it in the first place: superiority. in all his efforts, it should be rewarded with the right amount of pass but he should be critiqued to further widen his chances in winning. while all the compliments gets to his head, he forgets that he's a mere human being and failure is an option in life.

or that when he fails, he loses all of his foundation and give up.

that could be a point in a non-optimistic view.

or he could be an airhead and fan himself with self-praise along with all the other praises shone upon him. oh and become a snob at that. what an ass. boasting yourself with confidence. beware of that confidence, for it will later fade and all he will have is himself; no true core of redeeming quality.

so in truth, while one could be happy for his own results of which is in equal worth to his efforts, he should never blab. because nobody likes one. except for your parents.

anyways, there is not much time for day-dreaming or labelled emo-shits. emotional roller-coasters only break your stride during these times.

modern children and teenagers are showered with whatever their hearts (or materialistic minds) desires. name it, and they'll get it. which further encourages corporate movements of inventing and building new products to trigger these young shoppers (more on the case of their parents. because they are the one paying for it) into buying them; first the popular ones would have it. and you're not popular if you don't have one. like the psp (play station portable) or nintendo ds. or more lately touchscreen phones which are sold at low prices but, hidden or unknown or not calculated, by their operating company which has actually made to seem the gadget is sold at a relatively low price, while in truth, corporate suckers are paying for more than the original price. so be sure of your purchase.

on the other hand, 70% of teenagers are egoistic humans unmindful of the fact their parents work 24/7 to meet their demands; and while these products are purchased in place of their parents being busy with their jobs; it should not be an excuse to always be demanding the latest trend in the tech gadget market. perhaps teenagers should also be taught of hard-earned cash and hard work. of which not many of them know of, or heard of.

counting to ten

2009-10-02T01:46:00.002+08:00

pink lace, white silk, stilettos, branded handbags, shining brilliance on the surface, more on the costly than less.

i could see through them.

all a mask to hide those ugly demons inside.

and your weapon is your mind sharpened with copious amount of photocopied papers with numerous handwritings (too pretty to be yours)

i don't like you (cos hate is too strong a word)

on the other hand, you hate me too. the feeling is mutual. thank you shitface.

over the rainbow,

2009-09-18T00:31:00.002+08:00

let's talk about these 5 girls currently in the center of my life. they know who they are lol.

when i'm in deep shit, when i'm troubled, whenever there was a frown, they'd instantly know. hiding it seems useless cos even with a forced smile, they'd know. and they'd make sure i'm okay. shouting in the mrt on the phone, firing well meant threats, and never ceasing to make me smile like a goof when i'm in the bus thinking about them and our crazy antics. my friends.

they are my rainbow. they make me smile, lifting away my worries, saving my ass, and we'd have so much fun laughing and talking and gossiping and not having a care for the people around us, it's only us when we're together.

i know the time we spent together haven't been long, but that's long enough for me and i hope for an even longer time later on.

thanks you guys. you rock my world like tvxq 2pm boa michi anna tsuchiya 2ne1 f(x) alice nine soco does k.

only you

2009-09-10T06:07:00.000+08:00

i have a lot best friends. i'm not the type to have only one and swear it for life. these people mean a lot to me. whether they came to me first, or i to them, it's always been that i love my best friends. and no, this ain't your typical primary 5 "would you be my bestfriend" lame shit, but the kind of thing that just surges up and you know it cos there's a bond, a special kind of feeling.

this one best friend of mine, whom i love and treasure a lot, who found me among the other people i was drowned in, whom i first found true friendship in, who was the polar opposite of me, we were from different crowds, let's just say she was the outgoing and popular type, had a lot of boyfriends, and i was, well, not... i failed her as a friend, as a sister.

we got separated years ago, and me being me, got mad at her for some unexplainable reasons. she always remembered even when we weren't together; emails, messages, a wave, and even an angry pm about why i won't acknowledge her.

then two years passed by. she was at the back of my mind. i was living in my guilt and the only way to get through it was going away from her. suddenly earlier this year she pmed me and we chatted. she told me to forget the whole awkward thing, suck it up and just act as per normal like we did when we were 13. so i did. we talked and did a lot of catching up.

she surprised me with what had happened so much in her life. for mine, it was a bore, a typical schoolgirl's life. she said that she was pregnant, was gonna marry the guy, but somehow she fell on the stairs and the baby died. lucky for her she didn't have to marry the guy anymore cos he was a jerk. i'm somehow proud of her for wanting to keep the baby and be responsible for it. though at the back of my mind, if i had stuck with her, maybe this wouldn't have happened to her.

when she told me that, she made me promise not to freak out, and of course, me being me, i freaked out. this case was like my sister's, it's happening all over again.

she wanted for us to hang out again, but i couldn't, i said i would when i'm not busy. in truth, i felt scared, that her way of life, would trap me in it. why am i so stupid as to think that now that i'm 18, i know better. she's still the same as when we were 14, and yet we didn't mix our crowds, the way she lived her life, it still the same till now. i knew back then. how could i not know now, when i'm an adult.

she then invited me to her birthday party. oh my god her 18th was gonna be celebrated at a chalet with no parents around, though she respected my decision that i wouldn't want any boys around. nrl what are you so scared of? why am i like a goody two shoes? afraid of the outside world? she has it, she's known it, she was gonna show you a piece of it, and all i had to do was judge and choose. judge whether this world was any better than mine, and choose if i wanted it or not.

i decided i didn't want to know. before anything happens, i backed out and ignored all her messages and calls. eventually she got the message and didn't keep in touch anymore.

how could i, as a friend, not support her in time of need? i know i never really needed her to hear me out, because i never was one to voice out my problems and she never forced it out of me. but whenever i needed someone to hang out, to let loose, she would be my source and never failed to meet me.

now i wish, i could write a letter and tell her the truth. because her life was life my sister's. i wish for her forgiveness, but i know i deserve none.

you might come back

2009-09-09T03:40:00.000+08:00

I've known 2pm from the day they debuted. I wasn't a fan, didn't really favour them and would quickly switch channels when I see them doing their acrobatic moves on Music Bank. I thought that they were just another one of those boybands. But I was wrong.

Maryna seemed to chat a lot about them when she sits with me, yakking and yakking about them, stuffs I couldn't be bothered to know; Hot Blood and stuffs. One day she got excited and told me that 2pm was gonna act in a new show; Wild Bunny. And another day she told me about Music Bank midyr special, so I watched it. 2pm was there, they were really good, and Niga Mibda was a great song, and especially when one of the members kind of did poppin' moves to change to another song, it moved me. Thank god I recorded that show. And I watched the recording for a quite a few times after that.

Then after what seemed like weeks after Mar talked about 2pm, I decided to check them out. I watched Wild Bunny, and they were really really cool. They showed an image of unpretentious idols who lives as boys like how I'd spend my time with my girlfriends. This concept of the show greatly captured me and quickly they have gained a place in my heart.

Previously I promised myself not to get into another fandom, one was enough and I was already dealing with A's. But accidentally I liked 2pm, and the deal was done. I was spazzing about them with fellow Hottests.

Good news seemed to have spiralled afterwards; JYP replied to a Singaporean fan's twitter that he'll be bringing 2pm to Singapore early next year. I was already jumping and screaming and starting to save up to meet them. My cousin Tira was already gonna plan her outfit to meet Jaebum.

Then this bad news came and within a short span of time, the leader is quitting the group. Truthfully, even though I may have saved more pictures of some members, I couldn't come to a verdict as to whom I like, so I settled with liking all of them equally.

2pm won't be complete without Park Jaebum as the leader or as the annoying and evil one who wants to expose Wooyoung on national tv.

THIS IS CONSPIRACY.

같이 걷자

2009-09-07T02:24:00.003+08:00

wassup,

here & now, as I grow up, doing this every year, the more it increases into another year, from it being an enjoyment, something to be anticipated, now.. slowly, it has lost its meaning. I no longer wish to do it anymore if not for tradition and doing this for others, if not, I would've opt to stay at home instead.

I don't want a new baju raya, new shoes, or eating kuih, I don't feel like to doing it anymore. I do want to meet my relatives, but I don't want to decorate my house since no one comes to visit anyways, or go to geylang to buy curtains and eat lontong or whatev. I just want november to pass into december.

sigh. maybe the exams has taken a toll on me. perhaps next year would be better.

anyways, i thought i wanna do some stuffs i haven't done in quite some time:

- photoshop (icons, layouts, pics)
- play sims 3 (dammit taking care of a baby is so leceh. and my sims' job is a criminal?! lol)
- watch tvxq's Five in the black tour
- watch 2pm's performances & wild bunny again
- study (not mugging last minute T_T)

Yeh anyway I almost fought with ma about my baju raya. tsk. Apparently she wanted to buy it next sunday, but I can't cos the next day would be my Syariah paper. And the next two sundays would already be hari raya? (eh entah. hmm yeah yeah) She scolded me for not telling her about my prelims earlier, or else we could've shopped for my clothes today. Weekdays are a no-no cos ma's working. Saturday not gonna happen cos she's going to KL and she said maybe she could buy my clothes over there. But what if I don't like it? Then I won't wear it and it'll be a waste. Hmph. Might as well settle to no baju raya for me D8

okay yes i'm just bored and i can't sleep.

愛しても愛しても

2009-09-02T00:06:00.001+08:00

this is how crazy i am before prelims. k thx mar going cuckoo on me.

hottest!

2009-08-31T21:25:00.001+08:00

2PM
IS
COMING
TO
SINGAPORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://i32.tinypic.com/347ehao.jpg

8^*(^*^t^&%r%$e%$@#$dghvhkjgilhbjHJ

-dies-

what if

2009-08-30T23:50:00.001+08:00

What if you're playing me?
What if I'm not?

Hang outs with friends have always been fun. Even though we have only a few months together, that does not mean we need the school as our common ground; we could always meet outside. After all, hanging out; laughing; eating; that's our favorite past times, ain't it?

I'm definitely gonna miss these bunch of people, my classmates; my friends. I swear I didn't believe it when someone said your PreU years would be one of the best years of life. Now I believe it. Perhaps because we're nearing our twenties, we understand friendship more than we regarded it to be previously when we were younger.

Okay blogspot is being annoying. I'm too tired to photoshop pictures.

I miss listening to Japanese songs when I was 15.

At times like this I wish still had insomnia.

again

2009-08-26T16:54:00.000+08:00

Finally, it's that time of year again, where I can put on my hoodie and sleep feeling toasty under a blanket with the cold surrounding me.

Not much to say. I just love the cold.

nonplussed

2009-08-23T22:23:00.000+08:00

I'm so tired. So so tired I can't even differentiate night from day. Ramadhan has come but I'm still not feeling it. I've been too busy. Prelims are in a week. Someone wake me up.

Diva la vivo

2009-06-07T23:44:00.000+08:00

With girlfriends. Awesome time even though we didn't get to do somethings, yes/yes?

In the Sentosa Train lol, we shouted,

Mar: MINHOOOOOO
Me: JUNSUUUUUU
Nana: TOPPPPPPP (two-timer =_=)

Suddenly the train stopped. Terpranjat mamat punye xD Thought we were being scolded for shouting, but we were at the next stop lol.